Well, I'm on my weigh AGAIN :-) !
I just read through the few posts I had previously written.....almost a year has passed since I first started this. And here I am. Still waaaaay overweight. But NO MORE !
I am determined ( as fellow blogger Sean Anderson says ) that this is a plan set in concrete. It just has to be. It has to have higher priority than anything else in my life right now. Or I will not have a life. I told Rod ( my husband, in case anyone who doesn't know me ever reads this ) yesterday that I guess I could deal with some things. As old as I am ( 61 ), maybe just looking great is beyond me. Maybe wearing nice clothes is something I could get over ever being able to do again. Maybe even accepting that there are so many things I'll never do again...so many places I can't go...or fit into.

But what I cannot and WILL NOT accept is that I am not going to be able to walk in another year or two. I have to change my fate...for my children, my grandchildren, my husband ( he deserves better ) and especially, mainly for myself. I DESERVE BETTER. I DO. I DO. I DO !!!

I joined Weight Watchers online. I did this once before. I had pretty good success for 4 months.
I quit.
Why ? I don't know.
I'm pretty well convinced that I am afraid of success.
Why ? I don't know. But success is not what I'm concerned about right now. At least not that word specifically. I am concerned about living...and living well. I am asking my God to give me strength as I walk this path. It's a lonely path. Others who don't have the problem don't understand. But I know He does...and I don't have to be alone if I don't want to be. I've often chosen to be.
Why ? I don't know. But I am through going it alone. He assures me that I don't have to be...and I am choosing not to be anymore.
So tomorrow begins day 1 of counting points and changing my eating patterns for the rest of my life. I'm excited. I really am.

I want new choices. I want to choose to do things that my family and I can enjoy together.

To life and choices.....

Two months later !

Ok....so where have 2 months gone ? I am not sure, but I do know what I have done in those 8 weeks...not much ! I have lost a total of 21 pounds, but almost all of it was before the last post. I got sidetracked !
I. Got. Sidetracked. And I can't afford that. I just don't have the luxury of time here, folks. I feel bad. I am tired. I hate, I HATE the way I look.
My weight loss program on my iPhone tells me that at 2 pounds loss a week, I'll be at a proper weight on April 28th, 2011 . 2011 !! I don't expect to drop this weight fast...know it's not even good to do so, but 18 months seems like a lifetime when you hurt. So whose fault is that ? I think we all know the answer to that little question, don't we.
And another thing...I knew, KNEW that writing this blog would hold me accountable and help me. In fact, I really believe that it will be the key to my success. But have I come back here and written regularly ? No. Now why is that ? I hate to type . Yes, I do. But still. Why do I let all the things I hate to do keep me from becoming the person that I need to be ?
So, I am back. I am re-committed. I will do this. With the help of God, I will do this. Slow going ? Maybe. But I cannot afford to quit. I have a life to live.

NOT ME MONDAY

Three pounds ...THREE AND A QUARTER POUNDS TO BE EXACT ! And you know how fat peeps are...we want every ounce. Twelve & 3/4 pounds in the last month. Could be better ( see how we like to beat ourselves up ? ). But I'll take it. Overall, I am excited. After no loss last week, I knew it should be positive this week, but it's nice to see.

This may be the last weight update for a while. My reading of several other blogs leads me to believe that weighing less often would be better. One great blogger, Sean, ( he's to the right under fav blogs,) weighs every two weeks. I may even stretch it to a month. For those people like me who have been known to jump on and off a scale 5 times in a day ( yep, five ) just to see if it's changed, learning that it's not about the scale may be as big a lesson as learning how to eat.

Had a good day, food wise. Went to MNFTM and chose to eat a healthy protein and carb snack before I went so I'd be less tempted to eat too much. Wasn't even sure if I'd eat anything. But once there, I chose to have a 1" square of chocolate cake and a 1/4 cup of chocolate ice cream. Just two bites of both. Just talked to Christie today about what to do when I started to crave chocolate so bad that I'd eat anything in sight trying to satisfy that need. She suggested dark choco...which I knew. I'm going to pick some up to have on hand. But not until I start craving it again. I don't really want to have too much of that stuff on hand yet. I just thought the opportunity to eat a tiny amount of something really decadent would do the job right now...and it did. Just enough for me to feel like I'd had something wonderful, but not enough to feel bad about.

Ok...just a couple of the " Not Me Monday" admissions. In case you're not familiar with the phrase, it was started by a blogger who goes by the name of MckMama. Wonderful place to laugh and cry. She has some hilarious stories. She's making blog changes and won't have NMM this one Monday, but many of her bloggers will. She links her posts to other bloggers and encourages them to do NMM posts as well. So here's just a few of mine...

You didn't see me making circles in town last week because I was talking so much on the phone that I backtracked from the east side to the west THREE times. Nope, wasn't me.

I didn't shampoo my hair with hand lotion last Friday morning and then wonder why it smelled so good. I would never have done that.

I did not shave my legs with the little plastic guard on. I did not think the blade was just really dull when I could not detect any hair removal . And I certainly did not take several hours to finally come to my senses and realize what happened. Absolutely not. Uh, uh.

And finally, ( those who know me well will so believe this ) I am sure it was not me who hit Sonic three times in one day...TWICE just within happy hour and once earlier in the day. Ok, it was hot and I love their lime water with sugar free cranberry. But I am sure that was someone else. Uhhh, right.

PS...oh yeah, I still have a snack coming...the calories are low enough for my day that I can get my last one in, even with the choco...basically two snacks instead of one meal tonight...yay for me.

To a better tomorrow...

I'LL DO BETTER TOMORROW

As in, I know I'm eating stuff that will make me feel lousy, but I'LL DO BETTER TOMORROW.... I know I'm skipping meals and that doesn't help my food plan, but I'LL DO BETTER TOMORROW.... I didn't take the time to exercise at all today, but I'LL DO BETTER TOMORROW.

Today is TOMORROW. It really is.

I've even been planning on blogging for a month now. Everything I've ever read on making changes in yourself starts with writing. Making lists, affirmations, goals. It's all about seeing it in black and white. Accountability to something or someone can be the make or break of anything.

So when I decided about a month ago to make today my tomorrow by getting with a nutritionist and beginning this, I knew right away that journaling would be the key. I knew it. I still know it. But did I do it then ? Nope, nada, not on your sweet Hershey bar. Of course, there's a learning curve with blogs ( like all of 9 minutes ), but hey... I'm certainly up to curvy, right ? I just let any and every little thing keep telling me " you can start ( say it with me now )
TOMORROW !" I told myself I needed to get a few weeks under my belt ( like I would even wear a belt...ha ) and THEN I would blog about my amazing success. Well, it's 4 weeks later. I've lost 9.75 pounds and while not amazing, it's more than I'd lost in the previous 4 weeks.

So why have I been waiting ? I had set the magic date of September 1st to start. You know, the moon has to be in the seventh house, I need a big block of unscheduled time, my chin hairs should be longer than 2 inches.....whatever. But I know why. I don't want to do it. I don't want to be accountable. See, that's the other thing about me. Honesty is tough, but it is critical here. It's easier to say "tomorrow" than to admit I'm lazy, rebellious, unfocused...or whatever part of my character always rears it's ugly head and refuses to cooperate with the part of me that says TODAY ! It's always been stronger. But no more.

This blog is for me. But if you come here, read it once and find it worth reading again, then thank you so much. All encouragement is greatly needed and appreciated. But just like the statement "she's talking to hear her own voice" this blog is "written to hear my own heart ".

It won't be pretty all the time....though I'm going to post some pretty cool old pictures just as soon as I can scan them in. It will be be funny because I'm going to do "Not Me Monday" posts...love those....and you know me. There are dozens of Not Me's that I've done. It will be sad...because truthfully life sometimes just is. It will be truthful ..because without that, it's a waste of my time. And honestly, it will be hard. I know that much for sure.

I also know that He knows the plans He has for me...plans to prosper me.....to give me hope and a future.

So...to a better tomorrow.